‘Forgive and Forget at Christmas’ is a holiday song for just about anybody and explores the virtues of forgiveness. However, the video that goes with it gave The Cides the opportunity to draw attention to the abuse of children – to draw a line between 'the Forgivable' and 'the Unforgivable'.

It’s that time of year when we are bombarded with adverts generated by entertainment and advertisement agencies promoting scenes of families celebrating the most perfect traditional Christmas. Yet, while the lyrics “It’s the most wonderful time of the year” is played in those adverts and on repeat in many shops and venues in the run up to Christmas, for lots of people, it is anything but wonderful.

Many people are filled with the pressure to meet the constructed expectations of how Christmas should be. Although it is undoubtedly a time of excitement for many, for others the run up to Christmas brings feelings of dread for a variety of reasons. It may be due to the inability to afford the capitalist society’s version of Christmas, or the loss of loved ones, but this dread can also be related to issues around having experienced child sexual abuse (CSA).

Out of Step

The victims of sexual abuse can find that the hyped-up images of perfect celebrations are a stark contrast to their own experience. The anxiety and depression that some are left with can be intensified along with feelings of being “out of step” with what seems to be “the norm” for everyone else. Survivors may have also been left with addictions due to the trauma of the abuse and have to struggle with the urge to eat and drink too much due to the positively promoted increased consumption of food and alcohol according to SurvivorsUK.

In fact, everything at this time of year can be too much of a struggle for survivors to manage, particularly when there has been a lack of acknowledgement and support within the family (source ).

Child Sexual Abuse Defined

Child sexual abuse (CSA) is a criminal act that can happen within a family or institutional setting, the perpetrator may be known to the victim or they may be a stranger, and the abusers can be any gender and from all walks of life. Abuse can occur online or in person. Sexual abuse is when someone is forced, pressured or tricked into taking part in any kind of sexual activity with another person (source).

This horrific abuse takes many forms but can involve vile and painful acts such as vaginal and anal rape. Those who are most at risk are babies, toddlers and children. In many cases, the children who are abused and exploited are degraded and even abused by multiple perpetrators according to an independent inquiry into Child Sexual Abuse (IICSA) which was published on 20th October 2022 (source).

The Statistics

Current estimates indicate that 1 in 6 girls and 1 in 20 boys experience child sexual abuse and in March 2020, over a third of all police-recorded sexual offences are against children. The Office for National Statistics (ONS) estimated that 3.1 million adults in England and Wales had experienced sexual abuse before the age of 16 (source).

The UK government has acknowledged in its Tackling Child Sexual Abuse Strategy (2021): “It is difficult to truly understand the scale of offending and how many victims and survivors remain unidentified because of under-reporting, under-identification of victims and survivors by agencies, and a lack of robust survey data.”

However, according to Survivors UK, surveys show that:

Girls were at least three times more likely than boys to describe experiences of child sexual abuse
Disabled participants were twice as likely to describe such experiences as non-disabled participants
Those who lived in a care home were nearly four times as likely to have experienced child sexual abuse
Those who had experienced childhood neglect were nearly five times as likely to have experienced child sexual abuse as those who had not

A Refusal to Face the Problem

There has been a consistent failure to recognise the existence of this substantial problem. The presence of CSA within the midst of our highly developed civilisation is hard to stomach and is perhaps a reminder that society fails to control depraved and destructive human behaviour.

This is possibly the reason why there have been inadequate measures in place to protect children and sometimes there have been no measures at all, according to the Truth Report. According to the report, society’s response to CSA reflected its attitude to them: at worst, children have been treated as “commodities at adults disposal, to do with as they wished” they say, adding that “even in the mid-20th century CSA “was not thought to be widespread and they even believed there was such a thing as a “seductive child!”

Unbelievably, up until the 1990s, there was a notion that CSA was “not harmful” and, in some professional spheres, responses to it were seen as “overzealous” and characterised as a “moral panic”. It wasn’t until the 2000s, that some responses became more child-focused, but still the blame was deflected away from the perpetrators and institutions, and despite the fact that these attitudes have been challenged, there remains an incomplete public understanding of CSA, exploitation and power dynamics.

Child Victims are Least Protected

Individuals and institutions often thought the children were lying when they attempted to disclose what was being done to them and horrendously, victims have even been blamed for being responsible for the sexual abuse (source). The IICSA make a very important point in their report that “Children cannot consent to their own abuse” but children’s voices are still not being heard nor fully addressed. Many victims and survivors have said they were first failed by their families and then almost always neglected by the communities, and finally by professionals who did not take sufficient action to ensure their safety.

The lack of appraisals and information on the impact and damage to the child victims equates to a failure to coordinate an attack on the problem. In turn, society fails to protect the most defenceless, innocent children from being exposed and harmed by the sick actions of a disoriented few.

Ultimately the cries for help have largely been ignored and the victim’s needs have been neglected by communities who turn a blind eye to the impact that CSA has upon the victims who are said to be the least protected within the community. Instead, in the relatively rare instances where the crime is publicised, the community concern is more often projected toward seeking punitive measures and sanctions against the offender.

The Catholic Church

We see this has happened in particular when we read about the allegations of child sexual abuse by Catholic clergy and the systemic cover-ups by church officials, which have seemed never ending in the last few years.

Many of the offenders that we read about were in fact people that were once trusted by members of society and those that have been enlisted to take care of children. The church clergy were no exception.

Abuse within the church has been being committed for decades and has been consistently covered up by clergy worldwide in countries including Spain, Germany, France, Ireland and more.

Residential Abuse

The authors of the Irish study believed that the “church-run orphanages and industrial schools were places of fear, neglect and endemic sexual abuse.”

This has also been the case within non-religious institutions also. The Truth Report processed over two million pages of evidence and examined responses from 725 witnesses and over 7,300 victims and survivors of sexual abuse from a broad range of institutions and organisations. They found that abuse had been reported from as early as the 1930s with the most common decade for abuse being reported by participants in their study as the 1970s.

The Inquiry heard many common themes, such as victims were too scared to report the abuse fearing retribution by the institution or the perpetrator (more than half) as well as:

Institutions prioritising their own reputations and those of individuals above the protection of children
Victims were not being believed
Sexual abuse survivors felt shame and embarrassment
Barriers to disclosing the abuse also continued into adulthood for many victims
Of those who did report the abuse at the time in most cases, their claims were “denied and minimised or deflected.” (42% of the participants)

Chaotic Environments

The IICSA also found that the children within residential care typically reported that they have grown up in “chaotic, tumultuous environments” with many experiencing parental neglect. They described complex family dynamics, alongside:

Not having close relationships with parents
In some cases, parents were deceased
Parents struggled with alcohol misuse and mental health issues.
Being surrounded by high levels of violence
Housing instability
Had experienced some form of abuse prior to being placed in residential care
Health issues or an ongoing disability since childhood

These children clearly needed care and stability however, 47% of participants in the Truth Project reported that they were abused by residential care workers.

One Truth Project participant who had been sexually abused in residential care said:

There is no such thing as a “typical abuser”

It would make the task of protecting children from perpetrators of child sexual abuse so much easier if they were all within institutions or wore a dog collar, but that of course is not the case. There is no typical sexual abuser.

Common assumptions were challenged by a participant of the Truth report, who said that perpetrators “are portrayed as evil, dirty villains and in reality they look like everyone else” another said: “sometimes the friendliest, most personable people are the worst abusers.” Additionally, although most victims and survivors were sexually abused solely by a man or by multiple men, there are reported cases of males and females sexually abusing boys. And, although it’s a smaller proportion that’s been reported, there are also cases of victims who have been sexually abused by a man and a woman acting together.

Sexual Abuse within Families

However, it’s the minority of victims and survivors who are sexually abused by strangers. In the majority of cases, victims and survivors were sexually abused by people they knew and often trusted.

In a study where 16-17-year-old females were interviewed and asked if they had done anything sexual with an adult in a position of trust, or with an adult when they were still under the age of 16 years old, they were also asked whether they knew the person who had sexually abused them. Shockingly 90% of young people who had been sexually abused said the perpetrator was someone they knew (source).

Similarly, the Truth Project found that CSA by family members was reported by half the participants and said that it was most common among female victims and survivors than males. Participants reported sexual abuse from a father who told his eight year old “this is our little secret” and another who was sexually abused by an older brother and male cousin.

Government Failed CSA Victims

With that said, it is also notable that the National Crime Agency (NCA) are also aware that crimes of CSA are more likely to happen within the family environment, they state that it makes up approximately two-thirds of all contact abuse. What this means is that with the government's enforcement of Covid 19 lockdowns offenders living with victims were more likely to have had a greater opportunity to offend.

Additionally, access to support was severely hampered, schools had shut their doors, and visits to and from family and friends were disallowed all making it easier for perpetrators to abuse these isolated, vulnerable children.

According to the NCA their abuse is likely to have continued following the restrictions, and some CSA will have had a delay in reporting or even gone unreported.

The Perpetrators

It has been estimated by the National Crime Agency 2021 that there were between 550,000 and 850,000 individuals in the UK identified by law enforcement as posing varying degrees of sexual risk to children (NCA ). These figures did not, however, include non-UK offenders or children who sexually abuse other children and were therefore likely to be underestimated.

The NCA states that the gap between these two figures is a matter of concern as it suggests there are far more children being abused or at risk of being abused than are being identified by the local authorities and local police crime-recording data (NCA ).

Human Rights of The Child

Children and young people have the same general human rights as adults and also specific rights that recognize their special needs according to UNICEF.

“They are neither the possessions of parents nor of the state, nor are they mere people-in-the-making; they have equal status as members of the human family.”

“Children must rely on adults for the nurture and guidance they need to grow towards independence. Such nurture ideally comes from adults in children's families, but when primary adult caregivers cannot meet children's needs, it is up to the state as the primary duty bearer to find an alternative in the best interests of the child.”(source).

It is a human right for children to live in safety, yet there has been an institutional failure to protect them. The most vulnerable members of society are too often unheard, yet the actions and inactions of the government can have devastating effects on them. UNICEF acknowledges that social research findings show that children's earliest experiences significantly influence their future development. “The course of their development determines their contribution, or cost, to society over the course of their lives.”

More importantly, the experiences of child victims and survivors of CSA determine the cost to their own wellbeing, through no fault of their own.

Traumas experienced by survivors of CSA (source).

Depression
Difficulties with trust and intimacy
Lack of trust in authority
Thoughts of suicide
Attempted suicide
Running away
Low self-esteem
Aggression
Nightmares
Alcohol misuse
Academic difficulties
Feelings of guilt
Self harming

The list above is of course not exhaustive, there are many more impacts on individual survivors of CSA that are similar and also some that are unique to certain individuals, survivors of CSA have ultimately taken the impact of the trauma of abuse with them into adulthood.

What is Christmas?

Is it any wonder then that they feel so “out of step” at Christmastime? Yet what is Christmas? It is celebrated by non-religious people who often relate to it as a time for family for a day or two each year. What it really is is the overly hyped-up season of bolstering the pockets of the capitalist organisations that make a fortune at this time of year. We certainly should not be governed by this to attempt to fit the advertiser’s vision of “family” which for many is hypocritical, when they have been failed and neglected for the rest of the year since childhood.

Each and every one of us has a responsibility to protect the children within our society every day of the year and every survivor of CSA deserves to have acknowledgement, to be heard, and believed and to obtain justice for the trauma inflicted upon them. Perhaps then, they can start to heal and forgive and forget.

“Every Survivor has the right to become a Thriver” (HAVOCA )

According to the NSPCC, often adults who were abused as a child or young people under the age of 18 blame themselves or have been made to feel it is their fault, which is never the case and there is no excuse for this abhorrent abuse. All victims of sexual abuse deserve to be believed and get support if they want to. This applies, whether the abuse is non-recent, (sometimes called historical abuse), whether the victim has known about it for a very long time or only recently learnt or understood what happened to them or whether the abuse happened once or hundreds of times a year, or 70 years ago. Whatever the circumstances, there's support to help and it’s never too late (source).

HAVOCA (Help for Adult Victims of Child Abuse) is run by survivors for adult survivors of child abuse. They provide support, friendship and advice for any adult whose life has been affected by childhood abuse. They were established in 2001 to provide support and direction to any adult who has experienced child abuse. This experience may be first hand, or as a loved one of a survivor, or as a support worker for the victims of child abuse. The HAVOCA resource provides a wealth of information online and at the same time allows people to connect through The HAVOCA Survivor Forums. In doing so HAVOCA provides direction and friendship to survivors worldwide. Their ethos is that they believe every single child abuse victim has the ability to survive and lead a more fulfilling life.

Havoca is a self-funded organisation and the information they offer on their website is free.

If you would like to support them in continuing to provide these free services please consider donating to their association. Your donations will help maintain their website and enable them to continue to promote HAVOCA, making it more accessible to a wider audience.

Other help and support available

Survivors UK offers a range of support services to men who experienced childhood or adult sexual abuse
Rape Crisis England and Wales, Jersey, Scotland and Northern Ireland provide a directory of local support services
Samaritans is available around the clock 365 days of the year to provide confidential emotional support for people experiencing distress or despair

The first £1,000 earned from ‘Forgive and Forget at Chirstmas’ will be donated to HAVOCA, and they will receive 50% of all earnings thereafter.

Research by Patricia Harrity

Can We Ever Forgive and Forget Child Sexual Abuse?